Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
