i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
