I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
