And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
