Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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