a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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