I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
