My friends, they love my intelligence
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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