I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The air was thick with penises
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
