Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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