I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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