Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
