she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
