Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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