Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I take back everything I said about communal showers
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
