I can text with my tongue
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
