I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
