it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
