woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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