We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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