She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
