Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
