between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
