i just had sex bonerless
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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