i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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