Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
where does the pee come out of this thing
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
