got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
