1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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