my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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