i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
