Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
