i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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