even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
