"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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