ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
