I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
