You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
