how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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