how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
