I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
