You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
