You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
