dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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