hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
