ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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