when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
