Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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