All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I did not marry a roomba.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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