I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
