A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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